The rainy morning has been glorious for allowing me to perch my happy (but still slightly disappointed) ass on my big comfy couch and basically plow through my homework with the output production of an amazing gay steam roller. Also, the general mood of the day makes the excess consumption of hot beverages easy to maintain thus extracting the sinus nastiness from chest, relieving my sore throat and generally helping me to feel less zombie-like.
I didn't get the job. I got a very nice consolation prize of a personal contact at the company if I find myself interested in another position there but I was not good enough for the position I originally wanted. Now I get all the mumbo-jumbo about all things happening for a reason and all the junk I would spew with great conviction were I giving advice to someone else in my position. But fuck. I feel like coming in second best is the story of my damn life. Time after time people like me, think I'm a great fit but something just doesn't scream "pick me, pick me" about me. Is this some kind of personality flaw? If it is I guess I'm screwed because I like my personality and have no intentions of changing it.
I'm grappling with some pride issues over having applied for state food assistance. It would be a huge help in my very tight budget. Also, they give you $200 a month. Right now, I only spend (can afford) about $120 a month. Am I not eating enough food? The amount they give you is telling me that maybe I don't have enough in my budget for what the state thinks I should be nourishing myself with. I eat relatively healthily with my food budget. But some help would be nice.
The burdon of grappling with myself over whether or not life gets better is becoming very trying. I realize I am working on making better opportunity for myself but society really is setting up road block after road block for this struggling 20-something. Jobs I qualify for rarely offer health insurance. Internships that pay are becoming extremely rare and are barely offered at all in my area of study until I'm in Grad School which does make sense given most jobs in my area require graduate degrees. Wages paid are a meager pittance. It's no wonder so many of my generation have to move back in with their parents, are starting families later if even at all and have such a high unemployment rate. We are being handed a shit show of an economy to work with and will likely be worse off in the long run because of actions we had nothing to do with. My optimism and enthusiasm for American politics and my future are waning, dramatically, lately. This is causing me to fall into a blaming mode and is allowing a great disdain for the baby boomers to set in. I realize that different people are not to blame but as a generation on the whole they pretty much suck the life out of every resource they can get their hands on and I'm tired to feeling like me, my generation, will have to pick up the pieces of their collective destructive behaviors. I'm angry that a recession drags on because of a stalemate in Congress. I'm angry about a group of old, white, millionaire men who want to regulate what I, a 20 something, broke-ass, college student female can and can't do with my own damn body. I'm angry that the gas tax isn't higher, that parking takes a precedence over bike lanes and that I nearly die once or twice a week because of some driver who isn't aware of his or her surroundings and has somehow completely forgotten that he or she is driving a several thousand bound metal death machine. I'm angry at the lady who cut me off in the crosswalk and shrugged her shoulders at me. Why is it so inherently difficult for people to think outside of their own selves? We are so afraid of our neighbors that we forget the humanity of anyone we don't know directly and it has dire societal consequences.
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