Now that I'm quickly approaching the finish line of absolute youth, I'm beginning to understand those who eternally cling to their youth as though life has nothing better to offer them.
Stress really seems to affect me worse than it used to. When I spent nearly all of my time completely spazzed out with stress I suppose I did get sick more often. But this time I got my period early, my face burst out in face herpes (cold sores, two of them, gross, I never get more than one at a time, I look like a leper) and now I have a cold with a sore throat and achy body.
Tuesday starts my new semester. I'm pretty excited about it; it marks the official end of my summer and this has been a relatively exciting and trying summer with highs that extended beyond imagination and lows exactly the opposite levels of my highs. It's been manic and the ideas of stability and levelness seem amazing.
If I just continue to focus on one day at a time. One step at a time. One minute at a time. If I can just remember that it's the little things that create the big moments in my life and that as my youth escapes me, new wisdom fills in the voids of the loss. I will be okay. I will never be as young, again, as I am today and because I am alive, today is the best day of my life. When I take the climb, watching one foot in front of the other I will get to the top of my mountain.
In this moment, I like the way I feel. I know this will be a mildly stressful week for me but I'm not getting psyched out about it. Right now, I am just resting and calm.
Mom and I are going to try and participate in the Alzheimer's walk. Grandma is really getting bad and apparently her sister and her brother have both been diagnosed with degenerative dementia diseases. My dad's grandmother had family who suffered from the disease as well. My genes have provided me with many beautiful blessings; however, my biggest fear is that I will get dementia. I'm doing everything I can to live a meaningful life before I lose my memory. I'm hedging my risk and managing my expectations but all of this does not undermine the immense fear I have that I will die alone, trapped in my own mind. This enemy is one that I want to know all about. I want to know how to beat this opponent but I also realize the likelihood of me walking away from that battle victorious is not likely.
I will no longer apologize for who I am or the decisions I make. Please do not ever expect this from me. If I feel like I have wronged you in a way that merits apology, you will receive one. But if I am feeling like I am apologizing merely to help you feel better then I will no long extend that apology. Also, if you don't respect me enough to tell me what I've done to incur the wrath of your cold shoulder, I will not feel badly about it or sad for the loss of your friendship. I will simply move on.
I find out, this week, if I will be participating in the Transit Alliance Citizen's Academy. This will be big news for me, be on the lookout.
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