It's only half way through the first month of the year and already I feel as though things are so much different this year. The indications that 2012 is going to be a big and life changing year are just screaming at me. And it's scary. And it's exciting. It's not as though I can provide you with a solid explanation for this prediction, this undeniable sense that I can't seem to shake.
One year ago I was working at Costco, I was barely able to manage my bills and I was seeing a boy who I knew was a complete and total rebound. I had my final falling out with Andrew. I was completely unsure that I was going to survive the mess I had created of my life and I was in love with Austin still. Mess is an understatement.
At this moment I understand that having survived four years with Andrew, turning my life upside down and walking away, coming back to Colorado, sticking my neck into a scenario I didn't know if I could make it through, having come out of this better than before is amazing.
I am amazing. I am a survivor. I can forgive. I can evolve. I am the person I have always wanted to be and for that, I am grateful. I am not willing to make the same compromises I have made in the past, if only, for the sake of my own sanity and happiness. Because in the end, when I don't take care of me, I no longer have the capacity to be the giving person I know that I am and it's devastating and oh so hard to come back to that point. I am finally starting to feel like myself again. For real and consistently like myself again. And it feels like nothing I can compare.
It's undeniable that I have found some direction in my life. I have been wandering and wondering what I want for myself. Finally, I have some answers to those questions of life direction and some goals to work towards. I know what I'm looking for and I am unstoppable when I know what I want in my life.
And sure, I will have my hiccups from time to time. I will doubt myself. Others will doubt me. I will lose and I will win but in the end I will have my story that, in itself, is a successful triumph of the fact that I tried. This is all I can ask of myself.
In case tomorrow doesn't come, today, I will ensure that I don't have regrets.
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