Inside of You

There are so many signs that my personal life is headed in a direction that will be a game changer for my future. So many parts of my life are finally moving in the direction of my dreams and it is so encouraging to keep moving forward. On the other side of that, I'm really concerned that I will experience an unprecedented amount of loss in my life in the next year.

I can't seem to cope with the idea of watching my family age into people I don't recognize and who no longer know who I am. It's increasingly difficult to muster the courage to see Grandma Berta. To see, possibly, the strongest woman I have known in my life shrivel into a shell of someone who looks vaguely like the person who played such a pivotal role in helping me know who I am, I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I can't do it for any extended amount of time with out having to sneak outside and catch my breath and reground myself from losing it. It's just that her gumption and her strength are qualities that I have tried to embody because of her. And here she is, done with life, waiting for it to end. And it breaks my heart. And it breaks my heart to watch my mom lose her mom. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in this circumstance and I withdraw from it. I avoid it, actively. It's all that I know how to do. I run away when things become too much for me to handle.

My brother tried to end his life last week. And I would not be surprised if he actually goes through with it. There doesn't seem to be any way that I or anyone else can truly help him. And to watch the turmoil of someone so dear to you whom you can not help is heartbreaking. I spent time mentally preparing myself to lose my brother this morning. It was quite the intense moment of complete and total meltdown.

My cousin starts his house on fire, knocks a piece of shit girl up three times and is rewarded with a fucking house. My brother falls on his ass six million times, fucks up his shit over and over again and he is rewarded with unlimited help. I keep my shit together, correct my own fuck ups, get back up when I fall on my ass and am rewarded with unlimited encouragement to keep doing it myself, to keep up the good work. I need someone to cut me a damn break! When do I get my fucking break? I keep going out with guys who don't seem interested, I keep finding jobs where I'm miserable, I keep having to keep my strong face on and pretend like I am successful when really I'm a scared little girl trying to wear big girl shoes. I don't want to be a big girl anymore. I want someone to take care of me and make me feel safe and wanted. I want to tell Max that I can't see him anymore. I think I just won't answer his messages. I like him. And every guy I legitimately like breaks my heart. I just don't want to do that again so I think I just won't date anymore. I don't want to feel a broken heart from anything more than what I'm already working through.

I have a few projects I want to immerse myself in. Finding a new apartment, re-painting and wall papering my shelf, wall papering the inside of my tv stand, getting rid of my couch and headboard and bed frame, planting a window garden, finding a community garden, finding either an internship or volunteer opportunity over the summer. Hopefully, I will save enough to live over the summer with out getting another job. Either that or an internship. Or maybe I'll just continue going to school. I don't know the options are pretty open. I don't think I got the job at the law firm. I'm not counting on it. I had a few errors in my cover letter and the phone number on my resume was wrong so if either of those things is noticed, I will not get the job. My interview went well but I had a few moments that weren't perfect and I've been beating myself up over it, a bit. Live and learn, live and learn. It would be great to work downtown, though.

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I don't want to go out on any dates or leave my bed for that matter. I just feel lost.

I want to withdraw and run away.