Holding a Straight Face

I am really, truly, happy in this moment. I have two weeks before my employment turns to part time and I start classes. Two weeks will go so, so quickly. The life changes I have been on the precipice of are starting to emerge from the behind their curtains and they are so big and so amazing and so beyond anything I could have ever imagined for myself a few years back. I am living exactly the life I want to be living and who could ask for anything more than that? I nearly feel euphoric.

And this boy, he feels like a dream. I almost don't believe that he is real. It's impossible to stop thinking about the intensity of the chills down my spine, the way I had to catch my breath when he walked out the door and how every single time I imagine the warmth of his mouth on my breast, his lips on my neck, his hand on my cheek, the taste of his kiss, I question whether or not I made him up in my head and if he is simply a figment of my imagination. He is exactly what I would have made up in my head, given the opportunity.

The mediocrity of my life I felt so strongly about at the end of my relationship with Andrew has had not found a place in my new life. I know how to find the excitement in the mundane and to appreciate the small along with the large. I escaped the mess that was becoming my life and I did it with enough of a shred of sanity to move back home. And as much as it felt like a failure to come home, it was a failure that made so many things in my life what they are today. When I wake up, in the morning, I will be one step closer to being the person I want to be and there is not a single person who can hold me back from doing so. When before, I would have allowed Andrew to discourage me, now I only have myself to know what I am capable of achieving.

I imagine, though, that he is going to cancel on me for Friday. I imagine that some part of this will fall through. Which is likely why I don't believe that he actually exists.

But even if it does, I will be okay. I like the idea of having this one in my life, but I certainly don't need a man in my life, by any means. Things in my life are better than they have been in a very long time and I don't need a man to come along and screw up my progress.

I don't want to be friends with Andrew. Normally, I like to keep my exes as friends. But not him and not DLR. Maybe the time in my life of keeping my exes as friends has passed. Why keep them around? There is a sincerely good reason things didn't work out between us. Andrew nearly broke who I am and DLR is just a poor excuse for a human being. Actually both of them are poor excuses for human beings.

I don't think that I will sleep well tonight.