I don't begin to know how to describe the cycle of emotion I've been going through lately. Rejection is a tricky life experience. I have always felt like I'm pretty well adept at hedging rejection and moving on from it; however, at this moment in time my youthful optimism is waning. It's as though I'm being tested. It's a test that is quite trying and I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Men are terrible specimens of a being. The fuckers don't want anything from me but sex apparently. Every single guy I have thought would have potential has turned out to be a dud in some form or another. And maybe my expanded definition of dud has something to do with my frustration in finding someone who will fit into the qualifications of someone whose likelihood of destroying another part of my soul is relatively low.
It's frustrating that Austin's new girlfriend looks a considerable amount like me. It's frustrating that I am a little lonely sometimes. It's frustrating when I can forgive Nick for his shortcoming last Winter but can hardly forget and am now in process of hooking him up with a friend instead. It becomes beyond frustrating when I am rejected time and time again. It makes me feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I realize, when my rational self comes back to fruition that this is not the case. I realize that I am spectacular, beautiful, and deserve nothing but the best. I realize that it's best that I am able to weed out all the not the best quickly, efficiently, and early.
Lately, I've been retreating more into my own isolation as a comfort. I don't let my self down. I know my expectations for myself and live up to them pretty well. I think I am fun and amazing and talented and beautiful. And if no one else believes this, at least I have it in my self to pull inspiration and a desire to keep moving forward from. It would be nice if I could find someone who shared this belief. For now, I guess it's me against the world.
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