You remember, right?

I am in such a mood right now. Maybe it's the incredible amount of snow. I have no patience for Ray. If I don't hear from him before tomorrow I will not be seeing him again. That's it. I'm not going to be anyone else's fuck buddy. I don't even know if I want more than that but I am not going to be his. I deserve respect and will not tolerate anything less than what I deserve. If I can not be completely who I am with out freaking you out then you do not get to have me in your life. I don't know how to be anything less than who I am and apparently I am more than any guy seemingly is able to handle. Is disappointing, you know? It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Sometimes it becomes increasingly difficult to handle being book smart enough that I have intolerable quirks and socially smart enough to recognize that this bothers the opposite sex. I just want to be completely straight forward with people. I don't like dating games. They make me crazy. I don't want to beat around anyone else's bush.

I'm not going to see Ray again. I'm not going to play another DLR game. If you want me, you will make an effort to see me. Plain and simple. I don't have time for this. I don't have the patience for this and I don't deserve to deal with this. So I am not going to. Why should I? The sex is not good enough and you bother me too much for me to continue with this.

I adamantly do not believe that there is someone out there for me. Not here, anyway. And though it makes me a little sad, I understand the benefit of never having to compromise on my life. I understand that I have spent so much of my recent history compromising for boys that maybe, just maybe this is the best possible outcome for me, for now. I don't need or want an anchor here in Denver. I want to be able to go where I want or need to for my career because my career is where I will be able to leave my biggest mark on the world. I don't want to be in a position where I am helping a man chase a career and just making do where he ends up. I don't want that life for myself.

In terms of Ray, I'm a little relieved he fucked it up so quickly. And just as I was typing that message I did hear from him. However, until he initiates conversation with me again, I have nothing left to give that.

In reality, I don't know that I have much to put into a relationship at this point anyway. I want to a partner in life who is equal to me; we will do the same housework, we will contribute to the household equally and he will not put me in a position to resent him for doing more than he does. I don't want a man who will ever hold me back from doing great things with me life.

Tomorrow will be incredible. The concert of the year is tomorrow night, and tomorrow afternoon I'm going to the incredibleness a.k.a. Santiago's. My life is amazing. Things are happening that I never thought possible and I made them possible for me. It's a level of satisfied and happy that I never dreamed I would have in my life until I made it a reality. A boy can only screw that up.